Sometimes I let my emotions get the better of me. I can’t be alone in this one, right? I mean, do I just chalk it up to being female? Is that just a cop out? Do other people feel this way sometimes too? Or is this a sign of depression.

I’ve been depressed before. And I’ve felt the effects of prescription drugs acting like a snuggie around my heart. Protecting it from going too far…and yet preventing me from feeling much of anything at all.

No, I don’t think I’m depressed right now. But last night I had a moment. I just felt like crying. So many things bubbled to the surface. Things related to my girls, and being a mom, and being a birth mom, and how those things all intersect. Or not.

I’m not sure what triggered it, which is odd because over the years I’ve become pretty adept at identifying triggers. Movies, books, TV shows, songs, places, people. These triggers are like time machines that transport me not only mentally but emotionally to another state. But nothing like that happened yesterday. At least not that I can recall.

No, yesterday something was different.

I told my husband how I was feeling and he instantly diagnosed it as a sign of depression. And maybe it is. But as we talked and he asked questions and I cried a bit and he talked some more and I talked, something lifted.

I started to feel a bit better.

My husband is not any kind of a medical professional, but I often wonder if he’s missed his calling.

He’s the one who encouraged me so many years ago to just FEEL WHAT YOU’RE FEELING. But I was often too afraid. I’ve worked really hard on this and I’ve gotten better. But I often seep back into the comfort of just dealing with it on my own. Although it’s rarely of any comfort. I think it’s just been comfortable – and quite frankly, too easy to do.

Last night was one of those nights where I almost just shoved whatever it was I feeling deeper down inside. But with some poking and prodding from my “safe place to fall” husband, I feel like I’m OK again.


6 thoughts on “Reinforcements

  1. Life is a lot to handle sometimes. It creeps up on us all at once and can weigh us down. So glad your husband is someone you can talk to about this stuff. Mine is, too. Not everyone is so fortunate.

    Also, my glasses are a bit smeared from my daughters sticky little fingers (I should go clean them) and I thought your list read: “Movies, BOOBS, TV shows, …” Not the same. Not the same at all.

  2. Sometimes I just need a good cry and a good listener and then things feel better. I’m an incredibly emotional person and the smallest things will set me off, but I’ve also known depression. I’ve found that when I have to ask myself, “Am I depressed now?” I’m usually not. When I’m in the midst of it, I don’t recognize it at all.

    • Thanks for your insight. It hadn’t occurred to me that if I was questioning things that perhaps I’m not fully “in a depressed state.” Honestly I think it was just a moment. But it’s nice to have a good cry every now and then 🙂

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